Right on the mark

My FertilityFriend.com chart had made a forecast that my period would come today, and what do you know, I just got it. It's a very odd one though, I had brown discharge/spots for 2 days before, and now it's just really light. Not a normal period.

But overall, my cycle this month was really short, only 25 days. Very strange. Is it because they probed the crap out of my uterus? I've never had this before.

Post Christmas day

2 updates:
I'm having brownish tannish discharge. WTF? I never have this before a period.
(My period should be here in 2 days or so)

The financial coordinator still have not received an approval from my insurance company for the HSG test. It needs to be done approximately 7 days after the start of my period. So there's about a week and a half left to get this all squared away, which means, get approval AND schedule the exam. I'm letting fate be the deciding factor in going through with HSG testing or not. If timing is good, I'll go through and wait one more cycle before trying. Otherwise, I'm making an appointment to see the endocronologist and getting my results from the bloodtest and biopsy, and hopefully get to start trying this cycle.

Endometrial Biopsy procedure

It was rather quick and simple, yet, painful and very uncomfortable. They stick a catheter up your cervix, in which it responds by trying to contract it out..... so that 10-15 seconds (which seemed like 5 mins)...that it's in your cervix, the entire time you're cramping intensely. I must say it reminded me of the first miscarriage when I had to take the tablet to rid of the discontinued pregnancy. The contraction was so intense! Then the doctor had to push it in and out of your uterus lining in order to suction out a couple of samples. It was pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to go through that again, but it's the same procedure for the HSG!! *dies*

I'm thinking of just skipping the HSG x-ray completely since husband and I are pretty sure there's nothing wrong with my uterus (typically, when the structure of your uterus is the cause of the miscarriage, it happens during second trimester), and obviously nothing wrong with our tubes since we're getting pregnant just fine. I really dont want anything stuck up my cervix anymore. Plus we'll get to try in Jan instead of Feb.

Will contemplate in shower...

Oh and they test you for pregnancy before the procedure since there's a 10% chance it could intervere with your current pregnancy. It was a welcomed yet sad negative.

Nightmare at the labs

What a horrible experience it was trying to get my blood work done! First of all, this insurance business is totally confusing. The specialist is out of network and so they wanted me to go back to my in-network laboratory to get the blood work done so I don't have to wait for authorization or pay for anything.... specialist faxed me the order slips since they can't make internal orders from the system (I assume)... but my in-network hospital can not read or understand their order slips!!!! It was SUCH a mess. They had to call the doctor in order decode everything. Well also, the technician was ridiculous incompetent and had zero problem solving skills, so I had to take care most of the sorting out. Anyways, finally an hour later, the technician printed out a really long roll of labels.... and took out 9 empty tubes..... NINE!!! I'm normally not bothered by needles, but to think they're going to fill 9 tubes with my blood made me so nervous.... so he stood there, double checking the color coded tubes to the lables, to make sure they correspond... 15 mins and 3% blood loss later, I left.

Went a few blocks away to finish up some Christmas shopping where I got a call from the lab begging me to go back because one of the tubes was wrong. Fortunately for them, it was my day off and I was in a very leisurely mood....and I was still in the area. I said "no problem, I'll be there before closing". So they took 2 more viles of blood from my other arm. Oh my lord, 11 viles of blood taken. My veins are bruised.

Everything better be correct! I try so hard to make sure everything is perfect so it's done right the first time. Don't waste my cycle. I need to concieve asap, and that is by Feb!

Fertilityfriend.com BBT charting

Here's my graph so far. I think it's pretty accurate to say I ovulated on the 12th, 13th, or 14th right? According to fertilityfriend, ovulation is confirmed after 3 consecutive temperature raises. My temp never decreased since the 12th, so I'm going to go with the first day of the positive. I need to pinpoint this to make sure getting the blood tests done tomorrow will be on schedule with my cycle phases. A day difference probably won't be that significant right? Right.

Also, I'm not sure if I'm supposed to fast... guess I'll fast and go to the lab super early so I won't starve.

By the way, I love this site www.fertilityfriend.com and am considering paying for the VIP membership for a month or so. I love all the tools and calculators!

I just realized after my follow-up appointment with the specialist in mid-Jan to get the results, that's it. I can't see him anymore, because my insurance only approved for that many visits. If they don't find anything, then I'm SOL and have to go on trying without further testing because I don't think insurance will approve for further visits since I've "only" had two miscarriages and they are not classified as "recurrent" according to my OBGYN.

Hell. THEY BETTER FIND SOMETHING!

Or better yet, THERE BETTER BE NOTHING WRONG WITH ME AND THE THIRD PREGNANCY BETTER BE THE ONE!

It's so hard not knowing why.

Monday recovery

Took another ovulation test today just to make sure it wasn't a glitch the last time, and sure enough, there is only a very faint line.

My stomach is still churning from the stomach flu over the weekend, so today is resting day for me. Still having a bit of diarrhea. Yikes.

On another note, I finally got my infertility testing straightened out and scheduled. I have all the blood work on Friday, then on Monday I'm getting the biopsy done. When AF returns, I'll have to schedule for the HSG which will be done around cycle day 7-10. Hope this wraps up mid January and we get our results. We'll get to start trying around Feb, but I'm not sure I want to have a baby due on Christmas (as if we have the luxury to be chosey).

Stomach flu

That's what I had Friday...then all day Saturday. Barfed 6 times. Can't imagine having that while I'm pregnant. I'd have to rush to the emergency room immediately.

Anyways, the unfortunate thing about being sick is that I was not able to take my temperature. Saturday at 7am, I was puking. Sunday, I didn't even wake up at 7am. It was pretty crucial too, considering I had a positive ovulation test Friday and you need 3 consecutive days of raising basal temperature to confirm it. Oh well, they'll just have to go by my positive result.

Happy Friday

I woke up with the most intense need to hurl this morning. No, not pregnancy related. I think I've eatten something bad... or the daily advils I'm taking is burning a hole in my stomach. It's 3:52pm and I'm still feeling nauseated especially when I'm standing up. I've had 3 pieces of toasts the whole day.

On a different note, I've got a positive on my fertility test today, which means I'm ovulating as we speak. I've called the specialists office to check on my insurance authorization (obviously needed before they can schedule any tests for me, other wise it's out of my pocket), well everyone's out of the office. Happy Friday. I didn't hang up.. I made sure the receptionist leave the financial counseler a note saying "Call back ASAP. Patient ovulating. Need authorization to set appointments by Tuesday. Can not miss testing this cycle." I'm so demanding that the receptionist probably knows who I am by now. I mean, he didn't even need me to spell my exotic name.

Reassurance over impatience

We've decided to wait on TTC and do the tests that the specialist recommended.

I have to be adament about recording my temperature and have to test for positive ovulation. All tests need to be done within a certain time frame of your cycle. I'm charting on fertilityfriend.com : http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/23bdf2

The first one, Serum Progesterone, is done 8-10 days after your ovulation date.
Second one, endometrial biopsy, is done 6-8 days before your next menses (around the same time as above for me).

Third test, HSG xray, is done 4-5 days after the beginning of your cycle, so most likely will be around early January for me.

Then we're done and can go right ahead and try. However, would need to wait 2 weeks for the results. I have a feeling that will be around or after my next ovulation date. I would hate to miss another cycle, but it also wouldn't make any sense for us to do the tests but not wait for the results before trying again.

So in short, nothing has changed. I will wait until Feb to try to concieve.

Good news is my AF is completely normal. It stopped bleeding in 3 days and spotted for 2. As of Sunday, I've been free of it.

Infertility specialist appointment

I have mixed feelings about the appointment. Basically, the doctor went straight to a plan of actions: 1. test progesterone 2. get a endometrial biopsy (check uterus lining) then next cycle 3. get a HSG test, where they pump ink into your uterus to see the structure of it.

All this would take about 2 cycles, in which you can not become pregnant. There's a 50/50 chance they will find something wrong, or nothing at all. So second plan of action is to check for genetic problems, which could take another cycle. In short, I can take about 3 months of testing to have a 50/50 chance of find something wrong and have 50% chance of being able to fix it, or not at all... and the flip side is that we may not find a single thing wrong and those two miscarriages occurred by chance - or "bad luck" as he put it. If that is the case, then I would have wasted 3 months of testing for nothing.

On the flip side, we could get pregnant this cycle, and either carry full term (no time loss), or have another miscarriage, wait around for at most 3 months before we find out the pregnancy is not viable... then take another 2 months for the miscarriage to finish, and end up right back where we are right now. Except then it's certain that we need medical intervention. But then I would have lost 5 months... and another baby. And would need another 3 months of testing before we could try again. That's 8 months of time lost. But I guess by that time, it doesn't really matter because obviously I have a very severe reproductive problem.

I'm not sure what to do. Try again and hope that third time's the charm, or have another miscarriage and get really angry at myself for consciously choosing not to test and correct any reproductive problems and killing another baby because of my actions.

AF continued

Every morning, I wake up from the alarm, roll around in bed for another 10 mins, and jet out of bed into the bathroom because now I'm really really late. Of course, forgetting to take my basal temperature. Ugh. It's not a big deal yet, considering I'm still on my AF, which is pretty normal to my relief. First two days were quite heavy actually, and bright red, but today has been sparse. I'll definitely need to be charting starting in the next few days. I'm very much looking forward to the next week, especially the 10th through the 16th... why? They are the 8th through 14th day of my cycle, hopefully, my ovulation days. I've got my fertility strips ready for testing.

But maybe I'm getting too excited and obsessed again? What if I don't ovulate? Am I going to be extremely bummed out again? Ugh. I need to learn to pace myself and let things happen. At the same time, I can't really fault myself for being impatient since this is going to be my third try within the year. Please, all forces of the universe listen, and let the third time be the charm!

Oh and yes, tomorrow is the first consultation with the infertility specialist. I'm still not sure what I would like to discuss. I guess we'll start with our history and let them give us some options.

FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AF is FINALLY HERE! It’s funny how life works. I’ve been stressing myself, dating every little occurrence in my body… all in an effort to determine when my next ovulation date will be, so I can TTC as soon as possible. Little did I know, I was totally stressing myself out and probably delaying AF more. Just last night, I finally made a conscious attempt to accept that things are out of my control and when it comes, it will come. I was ready to move on… travel again, start new projects, etc. This morning, I was in such a chipper mood. Talking about what to get for Christmas, planning this, planning that. Then completely unexpected, AF visited me at work in the morning! I’m so extremely happy and relieved it’s finally here. Being in limbo was really sad and stressful...

and best of all, NOW we can try! OMG the excitement is already out of control! whoo!

I'm going to start charting basal body temperature starting tomorrow morning.

Fertilityfriend.com here I come!

A bit of internet enlightenment

I finally found something on the net today that gave me some answers... peace of mind.

http://en.allexperts.com/q/ObGyn-Pregnancy-issues-1007/first-period-early-miscarriage.htm

I quote:
The first period after a miscarriage is rarely "normal". It can be heavier than normal, lighter than normal, have some clots, be very crampy or not crampy at all. One thing that is certain is that your first period will usually not be like anything you've had before. To make sure it is really your first period, make sure it has been at least four weeks since your miscarriage AND you have had about 20 days of no bleeding or spotting. For the estrogen threshold to be met, you should not be bleeding anymore. Otherwise the lining is not being rebuilt, and you are still experiencing progesterone withdrawal.Technically, when things go perfectly, your first period will not arrive until 4 weeks after your hCG levels reach zero. Since most women will not be tested all the way to zero (which is typically reported as "less than 5"), you will not know exactly when this will happen. In a normal recovery, it takes three weeks for the hormone chain to fire up again, and it will not be marked by bleeding or any physical symptom. You will only know that the new cycle worked by having a period at the end of it, between five and seven weeks after your miscarriage.More than likely you did have a complete miscarriage. If you had not, your hCG level would not have fallen to near zero so soon after the initial miscarriage bleeding. Unless this was a period that required a pad every hour or two for more than a week, I would not be concerned. I would say that it was simply the abnormal period that comes after a miscarriage.You probably should have been using a condom if you had sex within two weeks of the loss. This is because your cervix is slightly open then and you are very susceptible to infection. You may or may not have ovulated during that first cycle. Because your hormones are still trying to get back into a regular pattern again and your body is still healing, the general recommendation is to wait through 2 normal menstrual cycles before getting pregnant again.

So, I tested a HCG result of 7 on October 13. I'm guessing it would make sense for me to spot again on November 5th because that's about 3-4 weeks after the HCG most likely reached below 5. That could have been my abnormal first period after the m/c.

I don't know... I guess knowing all these details isn't really going to help me predict my next cycle and ovulation, which is ultimately what I'm trying to do: figure out when I can get pregnant again. But since I naturally miscarried, it could take several months before my cycles return to normal. I want to say "according to all of this, I really should be expecting my period this week assuming I'm still on the 28 day cycle plan." In reality, it could come whenever it feels like it... since my hormones are probably still so out of whack.

I broke down and called the doctor's office today and left a message for the nurse to call me back. But now ...I think I don't need any reassurance.

I'll just wait patiently and go ahead and make vacation plans for the next few months. I don't think I'll be getting pregnant any time soon.

Thanksgiving tears

It was awful during Thanksgiving, being around a pregnant woman for the first time since my second miscarriage. I was perfectly ok for the first half of the day, until after dinner, a wave a emotion hit me suddenly.. and I cried. I retreated to the bathroom immediately because I didn't want to make a scene. I thought I would allow myself a pity tear or two, then get over it and that's it. Instead, I sat on the toilet and just bawled. Maybe it's cuz she didn't realize that I'm having a much harder time now than I did when the miscarriage actually happened in late Sept, which she knows about, but my sister in law kept constantly referring to her pregnancy: while eating her lunch, "oh I'm really forcing myself to eat this right now"... after lunch "Oh I'm exhausted, I'm going to take a nap"... referring to her first child "he's really independent, I hope my next one (petting her belly) will be much more cuddly"... Oh and also, she had a very noticable baby bump, most likely what I would be right now had I not lost the one in Sept.

I'm very aware that she's not doing it to be insensitive, but it was all very hurtful. I still have not had my period. I don't know what is going on with my body, and back in September, I had imagined that by now, I would be pregnant again. I'm not. It's very hurtful to be around someone who is happily with child.

I splashed myself with cold water and went back into the family room and took my dog out for a potty break so I could cool off some more. I thought I was going to be ok, but my mother in law came out and gave me a hug, as she always does for no reason because she's really motherly to everyone. Just that hug was enough to make me bawl again, I couldn't even respond to her thanking us for driving up. So after that, I went to tell my husband we needed to leave because I couldn't control my emotions. We had planned to stay for the night. As we were discussing it in a corner of the room, I started bawling again. So I retreated right back into the bathroom and cried even harder this time. My husband came in to check on me. I told him I really couldn't handle it, so maybe I'll just take my things and retreat to our room so my swollen eyes and red nose wouldn't be a topic of discussion. I needed a couple of minutes to cool off, so I locked myself in the bathroom with my dog for 30 mins, talked myself out of thinking about being pregnant and thought of some jokes my friends and I laughed at during work. It helped. I was able to snap myself out of that mood, and went back to join the family.

The next day, my mother in law thanked me for staying the night. She always thanks us for making the drive up, having dinner at their house, etc etc... but I wonder if she was saying it this time because she thought I had a tantrum last night because they were all watching football and I was bored out of my mind... or she suspected I was having a legitimate emotional breakdown, since I know she saw me crying or making a really sad face.

Still concerned.

Still having no signs of a period. It's been 9 weeks since the m/c initially started and about 11 days since the residual spotting completed stopped. I'm reading on-line (http://www.pregnancyloss.info/first_period.htm) that you have to have at least 20 consecutive days of non-bleeding before your m/c is completely over and hormones back to normal and period may come. So I'm expecting her to come in 9 days. If it does not come, I'm going to the doctor. Hormonal imbalances could mean more serious things like thyroid problems, ovarian cysts, or fibroids.

Still in limbo.

Still no period. Still no positive. I've never had this happen before. I don't think I've had a period since July before I got pregnant. This is making me really nervous.

The other thing that's making me nervous is the cost of visits with the infertility specialist. I called my insurance who verified I must cover 50% of all costs. Well how much does it cost? What's 50%?

At least I haven't noticed any cramping for the past week.

Please come visit me soon, Aunt Flo.

Specialist appointment

Yes, I finally have one. 2 weeks ago, my insurance approved a referral from my OBGYN to see an infertility specialist after my second miscarriage, thank goodness. So now I have a consultation! yes! December 5th. I'm not sure what I expect to get out of it because we have no troubles conceiving, so we're don't need medical intervention for fertility. But the two consecutive miscarriages is what concerns us. What will they do for me? Test my uterus? Count my husband's swimmers? I hope something.

No pregnant, not ovulating, not spotting, then what?

My body traded from being in spotting limbo to just plain limbo. Have no idea what's going on because although I'm getting PMS-like cramps, which I've never ever gotten before prior to my miscarriages, and getting some weird but clear discharge, I'm not ovulating (as confirmed by another $0.55 fertility test strip.) I'm at a complete lost at where in my cycle I'm supposed to be. No thanks to the dang spotting that lasted 2 months!

Of course, I could really just be PMS'ing like I had thought yesterday. I don't know why but everyday I wake up and lose my logic all over again. It's like my brain resets itself every night. Hello? Yesterday you were content with accepting the fact that you're not ovulating or pregnant, so you should sit like a chicken on eggs and just WAIT for your damn Aunt Flo to come visit!

Wishful thinking?

Today, I can say with 98% certainty that the spotting has stopped. Despite a few brown discharges, everything has been pretty much clear and normal. Maybe it's a Sunday, and I have too much time on my hands because anything besides football is forbidden on the TV, I decided to test for pregnancy again. Or maybe it's because my boobs are all of a sudden feeling a bit tender... perhaps due to my wishful hormonal thinking? Well, it was negative. Wasted another $0.55 test. I guess I can take this as a positive though... boob tenderness could mean I'm PMSing. That could also explain my sudden outburst toward my husband. Poor man.

I think my prayers are answered...

..is what I would say if I was spiritual. But finally the spotting, aka Little Red, might be stopping. Spot Stop. I can never say for sure though, cuz it'll be nearly gone in the morning, then it'll pop back in for dinner and stay the night too. A very unwelcomed lingering "guest". It appears, this morning, that LR has found something more entertaining to do than to nag me, and I'm free! We'll see.

I also got my first batch of cheapie internet fertility/ovulation and pregnancy tests in the mail yesterday. It was like receiving a gift. The instant I got it in my hand, I ripped the envelope open and tried both. Wishful thinking of course, because I knew I couldn't be ovulating or pregnant.. even though we did try for 3 days this month during the time I thought I possibly could have been ovulating, then Little Red showed up shortly after.

Anyways, after the disappointing results, I put the packages away in a dry place as directed and put away any unrealistic expectations to be able to conceive anytime soon. I sit here listening to Tori Amos' Somewhere over the rainbow and hope that Big Red will visit me next Friday and I can officially start trying again.

Why my heart aches... and uterus too

Tonight marks 2 full months from the start of my bleeding in September that indicated the beginning of my miscarriage. The second miscarriage of the year.

Tonight, I am still bleeding. For 8 weeks, I have been bleeding. Not only do I have to endure the constant reminder that I am once again emptied out, robbed of a baby, but I am forced to be stagnant, in a torturous psyche limbo. By this time, we were supposed to be trying again to conceive for the third freaken time this year. It was something I looked forward to, the only thing that kept me optimistic, and from hiding in a dark corner to cry everynight. Instead, I see red. Red that is preventing me from charting my temp, from knowing when or if I ovulated, and worst of all, from being able to be intimate with my husband!

Here's a timeline for reference's sake:

August 27: big fat positive on the 1st day of my missed period.
Sept 12: ultrasound revealed gestational sac with no yolk sac or fetal pole. Was supposed to be 5weeks 5days, but sac measured 5 weeks only.
Sept 13: began spotting red.
Sept 23: began miscarriage.
Sept 29: most heavy bleeding stopped. Began endless nagging light bleeding/spotting.
Oct 24: began heavier light spotting. (period?)
Oct 31: Micracle! all bleeding gone!

Nov 5: Little red is back.
It does not look like little red is leaving soon. I guess I'll need some medical intervention.