Thanksgiving tears

It was awful during Thanksgiving, being around a pregnant woman for the first time since my second miscarriage. I was perfectly ok for the first half of the day, until after dinner, a wave a emotion hit me suddenly.. and I cried. I retreated to the bathroom immediately because I didn't want to make a scene. I thought I would allow myself a pity tear or two, then get over it and that's it. Instead, I sat on the toilet and just bawled. Maybe it's cuz she didn't realize that I'm having a much harder time now than I did when the miscarriage actually happened in late Sept, which she knows about, but my sister in law kept constantly referring to her pregnancy: while eating her lunch, "oh I'm really forcing myself to eat this right now"... after lunch "Oh I'm exhausted, I'm going to take a nap"... referring to her first child "he's really independent, I hope my next one (petting her belly) will be much more cuddly"... Oh and also, she had a very noticable baby bump, most likely what I would be right now had I not lost the one in Sept.

I'm very aware that she's not doing it to be insensitive, but it was all very hurtful. I still have not had my period. I don't know what is going on with my body, and back in September, I had imagined that by now, I would be pregnant again. I'm not. It's very hurtful to be around someone who is happily with child.

I splashed myself with cold water and went back into the family room and took my dog out for a potty break so I could cool off some more. I thought I was going to be ok, but my mother in law came out and gave me a hug, as she always does for no reason because she's really motherly to everyone. Just that hug was enough to make me bawl again, I couldn't even respond to her thanking us for driving up. So after that, I went to tell my husband we needed to leave because I couldn't control my emotions. We had planned to stay for the night. As we were discussing it in a corner of the room, I started bawling again. So I retreated right back into the bathroom and cried even harder this time. My husband came in to check on me. I told him I really couldn't handle it, so maybe I'll just take my things and retreat to our room so my swollen eyes and red nose wouldn't be a topic of discussion. I needed a couple of minutes to cool off, so I locked myself in the bathroom with my dog for 30 mins, talked myself out of thinking about being pregnant and thought of some jokes my friends and I laughed at during work. It helped. I was able to snap myself out of that mood, and went back to join the family.

The next day, my mother in law thanked me for staying the night. She always thanks us for making the drive up, having dinner at their house, etc etc... but I wonder if she was saying it this time because she thought I had a tantrum last night because they were all watching football and I was bored out of my mind... or she suspected I was having a legitimate emotional breakdown, since I know she saw me crying or making a really sad face.