Torture

I keep waking up every morning thinking/hoping that way more time has passed since yesterday. I'm only 4 weeks today. This is the day that usually people find out they're pregnant... because their period hasn't shown up in a few days. I've had symptoms since the 2nd week (right after conception)... and already had positive tests at 3 weeks. So inadvertantly, I'm torturing myself by knowing way too soon. I wanted to confirm it though, so I could test my progesterone asap.

So a week passed, which seems like a month. I still need to wait 3 weeks before I can get a good scan... well, 2 if I want to push it. But it would be way too early to be sure you could see the heartbeat. And we don't want to torture ourselves if we couldn't see the heartbeat at 6 weeks and have to wait another week to confirm the fate of the babe.

Do you see how hard it is to not think about this every second? I'm trying so hard. SO hard. to not let it consume my life. I'm making a conscious effort not to allow this to become the #1 priority or the only thing in my life so if it doesn't work out, I won't feel like a big empty void. It's sooo difficult. Everyday you wake up and first thing you do is touch your boobs. Make sure it's still full and tender. Try to remember if you peed in the middle of the night or not. See if your temperature has remained high. And you're fighting every temptation to pee on another test.

Torture.