Thanksgiving tears

It was awful during Thanksgiving, being around a pregnant woman for the first time since my second miscarriage. I was perfectly ok for the first half of the day, until after dinner, a wave a emotion hit me suddenly.. and I cried. I retreated to the bathroom immediately because I didn't want to make a scene. I thought I would allow myself a pity tear or two, then get over it and that's it. Instead, I sat on the toilet and just bawled. Maybe it's cuz she didn't realize that I'm having a much harder time now than I did when the miscarriage actually happened in late Sept, which she knows about, but my sister in law kept constantly referring to her pregnancy: while eating her lunch, "oh I'm really forcing myself to eat this right now"... after lunch "Oh I'm exhausted, I'm going to take a nap"... referring to her first child "he's really independent, I hope my next one (petting her belly) will be much more cuddly"... Oh and also, she had a very noticable baby bump, most likely what I would be right now had I not lost the one in Sept.

I'm very aware that she's not doing it to be insensitive, but it was all very hurtful. I still have not had my period. I don't know what is going on with my body, and back in September, I had imagined that by now, I would be pregnant again. I'm not. It's very hurtful to be around someone who is happily with child.

I splashed myself with cold water and went back into the family room and took my dog out for a potty break so I could cool off some more. I thought I was going to be ok, but my mother in law came out and gave me a hug, as she always does for no reason because she's really motherly to everyone. Just that hug was enough to make me bawl again, I couldn't even respond to her thanking us for driving up. So after that, I went to tell my husband we needed to leave because I couldn't control my emotions. We had planned to stay for the night. As we were discussing it in a corner of the room, I started bawling again. So I retreated right back into the bathroom and cried even harder this time. My husband came in to check on me. I told him I really couldn't handle it, so maybe I'll just take my things and retreat to our room so my swollen eyes and red nose wouldn't be a topic of discussion. I needed a couple of minutes to cool off, so I locked myself in the bathroom with my dog for 30 mins, talked myself out of thinking about being pregnant and thought of some jokes my friends and I laughed at during work. It helped. I was able to snap myself out of that mood, and went back to join the family.

The next day, my mother in law thanked me for staying the night. She always thanks us for making the drive up, having dinner at their house, etc etc... but I wonder if she was saying it this time because she thought I had a tantrum last night because they were all watching football and I was bored out of my mind... or she suspected I was having a legitimate emotional breakdown, since I know she saw me crying or making a really sad face.

Still concerned.

Still having no signs of a period. It's been 9 weeks since the m/c initially started and about 11 days since the residual spotting completed stopped. I'm reading on-line (http://www.pregnancyloss.info/first_period.htm) that you have to have at least 20 consecutive days of non-bleeding before your m/c is completely over and hormones back to normal and period may come. So I'm expecting her to come in 9 days. If it does not come, I'm going to the doctor. Hormonal imbalances could mean more serious things like thyroid problems, ovarian cysts, or fibroids.

Still in limbo.

Still no period. Still no positive. I've never had this happen before. I don't think I've had a period since July before I got pregnant. This is making me really nervous.

The other thing that's making me nervous is the cost of visits with the infertility specialist. I called my insurance who verified I must cover 50% of all costs. Well how much does it cost? What's 50%?

At least I haven't noticed any cramping for the past week.

Please come visit me soon, Aunt Flo.

Specialist appointment

Yes, I finally have one. 2 weeks ago, my insurance approved a referral from my OBGYN to see an infertility specialist after my second miscarriage, thank goodness. So now I have a consultation! yes! December 5th. I'm not sure what I expect to get out of it because we have no troubles conceiving, so we're don't need medical intervention for fertility. But the two consecutive miscarriages is what concerns us. What will they do for me? Test my uterus? Count my husband's swimmers? I hope something.

No pregnant, not ovulating, not spotting, then what?

My body traded from being in spotting limbo to just plain limbo. Have no idea what's going on because although I'm getting PMS-like cramps, which I've never ever gotten before prior to my miscarriages, and getting some weird but clear discharge, I'm not ovulating (as confirmed by another $0.55 fertility test strip.) I'm at a complete lost at where in my cycle I'm supposed to be. No thanks to the dang spotting that lasted 2 months!

Of course, I could really just be PMS'ing like I had thought yesterday. I don't know why but everyday I wake up and lose my logic all over again. It's like my brain resets itself every night. Hello? Yesterday you were content with accepting the fact that you're not ovulating or pregnant, so you should sit like a chicken on eggs and just WAIT for your damn Aunt Flo to come visit!

Wishful thinking?

Today, I can say with 98% certainty that the spotting has stopped. Despite a few brown discharges, everything has been pretty much clear and normal. Maybe it's a Sunday, and I have too much time on my hands because anything besides football is forbidden on the TV, I decided to test for pregnancy again. Or maybe it's because my boobs are all of a sudden feeling a bit tender... perhaps due to my wishful hormonal thinking? Well, it was negative. Wasted another $0.55 test. I guess I can take this as a positive though... boob tenderness could mean I'm PMSing. That could also explain my sudden outburst toward my husband. Poor man.

I think my prayers are answered...

..is what I would say if I was spiritual. But finally the spotting, aka Little Red, might be stopping. Spot Stop. I can never say for sure though, cuz it'll be nearly gone in the morning, then it'll pop back in for dinner and stay the night too. A very unwelcomed lingering "guest". It appears, this morning, that LR has found something more entertaining to do than to nag me, and I'm free! We'll see.

I also got my first batch of cheapie internet fertility/ovulation and pregnancy tests in the mail yesterday. It was like receiving a gift. The instant I got it in my hand, I ripped the envelope open and tried both. Wishful thinking of course, because I knew I couldn't be ovulating or pregnant.. even though we did try for 3 days this month during the time I thought I possibly could have been ovulating, then Little Red showed up shortly after.

Anyways, after the disappointing results, I put the packages away in a dry place as directed and put away any unrealistic expectations to be able to conceive anytime soon. I sit here listening to Tori Amos' Somewhere over the rainbow and hope that Big Red will visit me next Friday and I can officially start trying again.

Why my heart aches... and uterus too

Tonight marks 2 full months from the start of my bleeding in September that indicated the beginning of my miscarriage. The second miscarriage of the year.

Tonight, I am still bleeding. For 8 weeks, I have been bleeding. Not only do I have to endure the constant reminder that I am once again emptied out, robbed of a baby, but I am forced to be stagnant, in a torturous psyche limbo. By this time, we were supposed to be trying again to conceive for the third freaken time this year. It was something I looked forward to, the only thing that kept me optimistic, and from hiding in a dark corner to cry everynight. Instead, I see red. Red that is preventing me from charting my temp, from knowing when or if I ovulated, and worst of all, from being able to be intimate with my husband!

Here's a timeline for reference's sake:

August 27: big fat positive on the 1st day of my missed period.
Sept 12: ultrasound revealed gestational sac with no yolk sac or fetal pole. Was supposed to be 5weeks 5days, but sac measured 5 weeks only.
Sept 13: began spotting red.
Sept 23: began miscarriage.
Sept 29: most heavy bleeding stopped. Began endless nagging light bleeding/spotting.
Oct 24: began heavier light spotting. (period?)
Oct 31: Micracle! all bleeding gone!

Nov 5: Little red is back.
It does not look like little red is leaving soon. I guess I'll need some medical intervention.