Cabbage leaves really work. I only had one day where I couldn't move my arms without my breasts hurting. After that, I didn't feel like I was going to explode anymore. Just place fresh cabbage leaves out of the fridge in to a sports bra/nursing bra, then leave it in for a couple of hours until it's all wilted. Then change for fresh ones. I know some people use Ace bandages to wrap their breasts around, but I just used a scarf. It helped keep my boobs in place when I moved around/bent over, and it kept the leaves flushed against my skin.
I didn't leave them overnight as I had 2 dogs that would have loved to sneak a midnight snack. Still worked. 2 days later and my boobs have already gone down in fullness. The swelling is no longer up in my armpits and collar bone.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Friday, December 2, 2011
Milk came in
My milk started coming in 2 days after birth. I had to go back to the hospital because of a low grade fever of 100.4. They checked my white blood count and confirmed that I didn't have an infection. They said, sometimes you have a fever when you milk comes in. Really? I didn't have that last time.
This is the 2nd day of my breasts completely filled with milk and they are solidly rock hard. I hope it will resolve in the next day or so. It's not only very uncomfortable, but it is a painful reminder that I should be feeding my baby right now, but I'm not.
This is the 2nd day of my breasts completely filled with milk and they are solidly rock hard. I hope it will resolve in the next day or so. It's not only very uncomfortable, but it is a painful reminder that I should be feeding my baby right now, but I'm not.
11-29-11 RIP Baby Boy
I gave birth to my son on 11/29 after 18 hours of induction. They first tried the foley bulb, which after 12 hours, only helped my cervix dilate to 1.5cm. So they finally gave me the pill, which they wanted to avoid because of my c-section scar. They were afraid it would thin out my uterus at the scar site.
The pill worked very well. It dilated my cervix to 4-5cms in 6 hours. After that, I was getting pretty painful contractions every 5 mins... and so I requested for some IV pain meds, which helped take the edge off. I could still feel the climax of the contractions and still had to breathe through them. But I decided from the very beginning that I did not want to have an epidural. I wanted to experience natural birth, and I wanted to avoid all the numbness, need for a catheter, and possible spinal injury with epidurals.
Things progressed pretty fast after this. Contractions got more and more painful, my breaths are now more like groans, and the pain meds were not helping at all. The nurse strapped a contraction monitor on me to see for herself how fast they were coming.. about 3-4 mins.
Half and hour later, I knew it was time to push as I felt a "drop" and my contractions became unbearable to the point where I was crying now. I screamed for my husband to grab a nurse. At this point, everything became a blur. My hands and feet were tingly and numb, I could not keep my eyes opened because of the pain, I was swinging my head left to right crying "I need a doctor!! I need a doctor now!!!"
All I remember was hearing a group of doctors telling me it's time to push. My body was there, but my mind was not. I was in so much pain that I was having an out of body experience. I could hear them, and hear myself scream, but I didn't know what was going on and could not control myself. They told me to push and I said "I can't, it hurts to much!" They said it would feel better if I did... so I tried with labored breathing, which was not very effective.
They told me to hold my breath while I pushed, so I found some self control and pushed as hard as I could. I felt the head coming out and my vagina being in the most pain I've ever felt in my life and I screamed sooooo loud. We waited until the next contraction before I pushed out the body and immediately after that I found relieve.
They handed me my tiny little baby boy, whose eyes were still infused, skin was translucent, but as beautiful and perfect as ever. I balled. This was my baby. My baby. My beautiful baby. He had a pulse, but could not breathe, and will not live. I cried and wailed and let myself be consumed with emotions. They cleaned the baby up and got him ready for me to bond with him, and told me to push some more for the placenta to come out.
He was perfect. 22 weeks old, 1 lb. 3.4 oz, and 11.5 inches long. My time spent with him was peaceful. I observed his face, his little hands, long legs, and cute little feet and toes. His little peach fuzz of hairs on his head and long nails on his fingers. I said sorry to him many many times, and that I'll miss him a lot and kissed him on the forehead. The nurse took pictures of us and took him away. I'll never see him again. I've lost a son. Nothing can ever replace that. Having my first child doesn't make it any better. Getting pregnant again doesn't make it better either. This boy is gone. My child is dead. I'll never get to know him, see him grow up, hold him again. He's gone. It's not just a miscarriage. I have 2 children and one is dead. All I can do now is grieve for him... miss him a lot and try to continue living my life.
After the birth, I was shivering uncontrollably. Most likely from the adrenaline and all the meds, but I was really really really cold. They mentioned that I did not lose a lot of blood during the delivery, but after everything was done and over with, I started bleeding a lot. I called the nurse, but I didn't get a quick response and started to panic because at this point, I can feel myself hemorrhaging. The nurse came in and saw my soaked bed and called several doctors urgently. She pressed on my uterus to show them how much blood was gushing out and blood actually shot out on to one of the doctor's shirt. They talked about a possible D&C surgery to scrape my uterus clean. I was now on full on panic mode and pleaded to them that I did not want to lose my uterus, so please help me. They scanned me via ultrasound and was pretty sure that there was no left over placenta remnants in there. They said my bladder was incredibly full and sometimes that can prevent the uterus to contract properly so they released my urine through a catheter. They gave me more medication to help my uterus contract through a shot, and then two pills through the rectum, and then I had pitocin via IV. They took my temperature and realized I had a fever too, which explains why was I was so cold but felt so hot. I had an infection, which could also prevent my uterus to contract properly. They sent my placenta to be tested for bacteria to see if I was already contracting an infection before my induction and just didn't show any signs of it.
The nurse kept a close eye on my bleeding the following night to make sure I was healing on track and I was. I was discharged the night after that, since I was walking around fine, and my bleeding was completely normal. I was so glad I didn't need a D&C and my reproductive organs are still intact... and hopefully not damaged.
The pill worked very well. It dilated my cervix to 4-5cms in 6 hours. After that, I was getting pretty painful contractions every 5 mins... and so I requested for some IV pain meds, which helped take the edge off. I could still feel the climax of the contractions and still had to breathe through them. But I decided from the very beginning that I did not want to have an epidural. I wanted to experience natural birth, and I wanted to avoid all the numbness, need for a catheter, and possible spinal injury with epidurals.
Things progressed pretty fast after this. Contractions got more and more painful, my breaths are now more like groans, and the pain meds were not helping at all. The nurse strapped a contraction monitor on me to see for herself how fast they were coming.. about 3-4 mins.
Half and hour later, I knew it was time to push as I felt a "drop" and my contractions became unbearable to the point where I was crying now. I screamed for my husband to grab a nurse. At this point, everything became a blur. My hands and feet were tingly and numb, I could not keep my eyes opened because of the pain, I was swinging my head left to right crying "I need a doctor!! I need a doctor now!!!"
All I remember was hearing a group of doctors telling me it's time to push. My body was there, but my mind was not. I was in so much pain that I was having an out of body experience. I could hear them, and hear myself scream, but I didn't know what was going on and could not control myself. They told me to push and I said "I can't, it hurts to much!" They said it would feel better if I did... so I tried with labored breathing, which was not very effective.
They told me to hold my breath while I pushed, so I found some self control and pushed as hard as I could. I felt the head coming out and my vagina being in the most pain I've ever felt in my life and I screamed sooooo loud. We waited until the next contraction before I pushed out the body and immediately after that I found relieve.
They handed me my tiny little baby boy, whose eyes were still infused, skin was translucent, but as beautiful and perfect as ever. I balled. This was my baby. My baby. My beautiful baby. He had a pulse, but could not breathe, and will not live. I cried and wailed and let myself be consumed with emotions. They cleaned the baby up and got him ready for me to bond with him, and told me to push some more for the placenta to come out.
He was perfect. 22 weeks old, 1 lb. 3.4 oz, and 11.5 inches long. My time spent with him was peaceful. I observed his face, his little hands, long legs, and cute little feet and toes. His little peach fuzz of hairs on his head and long nails on his fingers. I said sorry to him many many times, and that I'll miss him a lot and kissed him on the forehead. The nurse took pictures of us and took him away. I'll never see him again. I've lost a son. Nothing can ever replace that. Having my first child doesn't make it any better. Getting pregnant again doesn't make it better either. This boy is gone. My child is dead. I'll never get to know him, see him grow up, hold him again. He's gone. It's not just a miscarriage. I have 2 children and one is dead. All I can do now is grieve for him... miss him a lot and try to continue living my life.
After the birth, I was shivering uncontrollably. Most likely from the adrenaline and all the meds, but I was really really really cold. They mentioned that I did not lose a lot of blood during the delivery, but after everything was done and over with, I started bleeding a lot. I called the nurse, but I didn't get a quick response and started to panic because at this point, I can feel myself hemorrhaging. The nurse came in and saw my soaked bed and called several doctors urgently. She pressed on my uterus to show them how much blood was gushing out and blood actually shot out on to one of the doctor's shirt. They talked about a possible D&C surgery to scrape my uterus clean. I was now on full on panic mode and pleaded to them that I did not want to lose my uterus, so please help me. They scanned me via ultrasound and was pretty sure that there was no left over placenta remnants in there. They said my bladder was incredibly full and sometimes that can prevent the uterus to contract properly so they released my urine through a catheter. They gave me more medication to help my uterus contract through a shot, and then two pills through the rectum, and then I had pitocin via IV. They took my temperature and realized I had a fever too, which explains why was I was so cold but felt so hot. I had an infection, which could also prevent my uterus to contract properly. They sent my placenta to be tested for bacteria to see if I was already contracting an infection before my induction and just didn't show any signs of it.
The nurse kept a close eye on my bleeding the following night to make sure I was healing on track and I was. I was discharged the night after that, since I was walking around fine, and my bleeding was completely normal. I was so glad I didn't need a D&C and my reproductive organs are still intact... and hopefully not damaged.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
I'm probably getting an infection since the upper edges of my uterus seems to be sore and tender to the touch.. but I have no fever, no foul odor, etc. Tomorrow is my induction date anyways so I'm waiting cautiously instead of going to the emergency room. I hope out of this utterly horrible experience that I at least get to keep my reproductive organs.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Day before Thanksgiving and I can't believe I'm doing research on funeral homes and premmie urns.
We've had further appointments with the perinatologist and the prognosis has not changed. They pretty much said it's up to me, but the reality is that this baby, if it survives birth and the NICU, will be 99.9% special needs. Since my water broke during the crucial time for proper lung development, this baby's lungs most likely have never developed.
So, I regret to state that my induction date is 11/28/11. I will deliver my baby boy at 22 weeks. I don't know what else to say but I'm incredibly scared, besides other intense emotions, and I don't know how to handle it all at this point.
We've had further appointments with the perinatologist and the prognosis has not changed. They pretty much said it's up to me, but the reality is that this baby, if it survives birth and the NICU, will be 99.9% special needs. Since my water broke during the crucial time for proper lung development, this baby's lungs most likely have never developed.
So, I regret to state that my induction date is 11/28/11. I will deliver my baby boy at 22 weeks. I don't know what else to say but I'm incredibly scared, besides other intense emotions, and I don't know how to handle it all at this point.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
20 week update -PPROM due to Subchorionic hematoma
I've stopped updating for a quite a while... mostly because I wanted to remain in denial about my condition, my doomed pregnancy.
I'm a little over 20 weeks now and just found out a couple of days ago that my water had broken. I figured it broke at 17 weeks because that is when I began noticing daily watery discharge/flow along with my usual brown bleeding. My water level is a bit lower than 2cm right now and my options are to terminate or carry on with an extremely high risk of a severely disabled preterm child.
Conflicted is an understatement of where I am right now... looking around forums and support groups helps only a little. This post moved and affected me a lot, so I'm pasting it to keep as a reminder.
"A person needs to decide if they can handle a child that may wind up having severe problems throughout their lives that you would not even want to live with if that child does make it. Or you need to think can you handle all the loss hope and heartbreak if you carry to a viable age and your babies lungs do not develop and that child dies at birth? Though yes, their is that 10% for a healthy child.. you need to decide and understand most of us are not that 10% and if the child did live, would that be the life you would want for your baby, possible ceribral palsey from most likely being very preterm, organ or brain damage, any kind of severe deformities, lung malformations? I die inside every day, without my daughter, but I would not have wanted her to struggle with a life I would not have wanted to live. I made my decision not to soon, but because I could not bare the thought of watching my child suffer. So instead, I suffer to be without her. "
I'm a little over 20 weeks now and just found out a couple of days ago that my water had broken. I figured it broke at 17 weeks because that is when I began noticing daily watery discharge/flow along with my usual brown bleeding. My water level is a bit lower than 2cm right now and my options are to terminate or carry on with an extremely high risk of a severely disabled preterm child.
Conflicted is an understatement of where I am right now... looking around forums and support groups helps only a little. This post moved and affected me a lot, so I'm pasting it to keep as a reminder.
"A person needs to decide if they can handle a child that may wind up having severe problems throughout their lives that you would not even want to live with if that child does make it. Or you need to think can you handle all the loss hope and heartbreak if you carry to a viable age and your babies lungs do not develop and that child dies at birth? Though yes, their is that 10% for a healthy child.. you need to decide and understand most of us are not that 10% and if the child did live, would that be the life you would want for your baby, possible ceribral palsey from most likely being very preterm, organ or brain damage, any kind of severe deformities, lung malformations? I die inside every day, without my daughter, but I would not have wanted her to struggle with a life I would not have wanted to live. I made my decision not to soon, but because I could not bare the thought of watching my child suffer. So instead, I suffer to be without her. "
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
8-10 weeks
Not much has changed in these few weeks.
Bleeding got substantially worse at the 8th week ...bled heavily Sat, Tues, then Weds morning to where the blood soaked through my pants and heavy absorbency pad and onto my driver's seat as I was on my way to the hospital. Doctor said the hematoma has grown and he was worried about my heavy bleeding and took my blood count. Anemia was negative. Then he took my HCG again but didn't mention why. He said it was normal so I didn't bother asking.
9th week, went in for my weekly scan and progesterone injection. He sent me to the image center to get a better picture of the hematoma because he was worried about the masses that are forming in there. He was worried about a molar pregnancy. The scans showed nothing alarming. Just blood getting older and more solid. They finally gave me a measurement of the hematoma. It was 6.9cm x 5cm x 6cm, and considered large. But good news was that I was actually not bleeding or spotting. I had been clear for 2 days and continued to be clear for another 3 days. Baby was measuring to be about 10 weeks.
Until at around 10 weeks, started brown spotting again but nothing too significant. Just really dark old blood.
My next appointment is on Friday when I'm 11 weeks. Hoping to hear hematoma shrunk.
Bleeding got substantially worse at the 8th week ...bled heavily Sat, Tues, then Weds morning to where the blood soaked through my pants and heavy absorbency pad and onto my driver's seat as I was on my way to the hospital. Doctor said the hematoma has grown and he was worried about my heavy bleeding and took my blood count. Anemia was negative. Then he took my HCG again but didn't mention why. He said it was normal so I didn't bother asking.
9th week, went in for my weekly scan and progesterone injection. He sent me to the image center to get a better picture of the hematoma because he was worried about the masses that are forming in there. He was worried about a molar pregnancy. The scans showed nothing alarming. Just blood getting older and more solid. They finally gave me a measurement of the hematoma. It was 6.9cm x 5cm x 6cm, and considered large. But good news was that I was actually not bleeding or spotting. I had been clear for 2 days and continued to be clear for another 3 days. Baby was measuring to be about 10 weeks.
Until at around 10 weeks, started brown spotting again but nothing too significant. Just really dark old blood.
My next appointment is on Friday when I'm 11 weeks. Hoping to hear hematoma shrunk.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
In limbo: 6 - 7 weeks
The HCG taken at 5w6days measured at 17,000, which meant it doubled in 4 days. Pretty standard, and the reason why we saw a heartbeat (it's visible after HCG reaches 12,000). I got the news on Monday, but the day before that, I had another bad bleeding.
We went to the in laws for a niece's birthday party, and I had helped lifted a wooden bench out of the car into the residence. Couple hours later, in the car, I felt some discharge, so I wiped and out came the tissue with red blood. Devasted. More blood came out on to my pantyliner, which is soaked at this point, with what looked like some stringy stuff. All bright red. Of course, I'm miscarrying right?
So Monday when I got the HCG results, I asked the nurse over the phone about the bleeding and she told me that I could be seen if I wanted to, but the best thing is to wait a few days.
I figured if I was miscarrying, there's not much to be done anyways, so I stayed home because of the news...and because I was having really bad nausea/indigestion all day.
I went back to work the next day and the bleeding slowed down to spotting and eventually turned brown. This miscarriage is certainly taking it's sweet time.
Wednesday night, I took my toddler upstairs on a piggyback ride, then immediately afterwards, I started to bleed and cramp. I sat on the toilet and red blood kept dripping out, filling the bowl. Surely it was starting now. I laid in bed the rest of the night, preparing for some cramps and more blood, even texted my boss that I wasn't going to be in the next 2 days as I was miscarrying again.
In the middle of the night, I woke up to pee and had an incredible urge to hurl. I sat over the toilet thinking the worst was coming, but nothing came out. So I hovered over the sink to try to vomit, but only dry heaved a few times. Then the hot flash followed. My whole body was HOT. My back and my tailbone were drenched. I was so scared that I was going to pass out. But nothing happened.
The next morning, the bleeding slowed down again. This time I called the OB for an appointment because I wanted to know what was happening. In situations like this, they usually just tell you "well, most women bleed at some point in their pregnancy and all could be well." But I know I wasn't one of those women. I'm not that lucky.
So in comes the doctor with the ultrasound machine and starts the exam. At this point, I'm about 6w3days a long. He finds the gestational sac and takes a couple of turns until he finds the embryo... its heart beating away. It's measuring at around 6w6days or 7weeks. But... right next to the sac, he points out to me a large black mass of blood, the source of my bleeding.
What the hell is this??? A blood clot, also known as Subchorionic Hematoma. The clot can be resolved by either bleeding out, or being absorbed back into the body over slow progressive period of time. The risk is that the blood clot may take up the room necessary for healthy fetal growth, thereby slowly killing the fetus. The pregnancy is 50/50 at this point, no one can tell.
He gave me a shot of progesterone injection to "calm the uterus". Although he only recommended no sex, I voluntary put myself on bedrest as well. I took these two days off anyways. I'm staying off my feet as much as possible. Today, I have very little spotting. Will go back in a week to get another scan and another shot of progesterone.
We went to the in laws for a niece's birthday party, and I had helped lifted a wooden bench out of the car into the residence. Couple hours later, in the car, I felt some discharge, so I wiped and out came the tissue with red blood. Devasted. More blood came out on to my pantyliner, which is soaked at this point, with what looked like some stringy stuff. All bright red. Of course, I'm miscarrying right?
So Monday when I got the HCG results, I asked the nurse over the phone about the bleeding and she told me that I could be seen if I wanted to, but the best thing is to wait a few days.
I figured if I was miscarrying, there's not much to be done anyways, so I stayed home because of the news...and because I was having really bad nausea/indigestion all day.
I went back to work the next day and the bleeding slowed down to spotting and eventually turned brown. This miscarriage is certainly taking it's sweet time.
Wednesday night, I took my toddler upstairs on a piggyback ride, then immediately afterwards, I started to bleed and cramp. I sat on the toilet and red blood kept dripping out, filling the bowl. Surely it was starting now. I laid in bed the rest of the night, preparing for some cramps and more blood, even texted my boss that I wasn't going to be in the next 2 days as I was miscarrying again.
In the middle of the night, I woke up to pee and had an incredible urge to hurl. I sat over the toilet thinking the worst was coming, but nothing came out. So I hovered over the sink to try to vomit, but only dry heaved a few times. Then the hot flash followed. My whole body was HOT. My back and my tailbone were drenched. I was so scared that I was going to pass out. But nothing happened.
The next morning, the bleeding slowed down again. This time I called the OB for an appointment because I wanted to know what was happening. In situations like this, they usually just tell you "well, most women bleed at some point in their pregnancy and all could be well." But I know I wasn't one of those women. I'm not that lucky.
So in comes the doctor with the ultrasound machine and starts the exam. At this point, I'm about 6w3days a long. He finds the gestational sac and takes a couple of turns until he finds the embryo... its heart beating away. It's measuring at around 6w6days or 7weeks. But... right next to the sac, he points out to me a large black mass of blood, the source of my bleeding.
What the hell is this??? A blood clot, also known as Subchorionic Hematoma. The clot can be resolved by either bleeding out, or being absorbed back into the body over slow progressive period of time. The risk is that the blood clot may take up the room necessary for healthy fetal growth, thereby slowly killing the fetus. The pregnancy is 50/50 at this point, no one can tell.
He gave me a shot of progesterone injection to "calm the uterus". Although he only recommended no sex, I voluntary put myself on bedrest as well. I took these two days off anyways. I'm staying off my feet as much as possible. Today, I have very little spotting. Will go back in a week to get another scan and another shot of progesterone.
Friday, August 5, 2011
5 weeks bad news... 6 weeks better news
Last week at 5 weeks pregnant, I had a pretty bad bleed after sex that was bright red and looked like the start of a period. I thought that was it. Bleeding had always been the first sign of a miscarriage. Went in for an ultrasound the next day, we saw a gestational sac but no embryo. According to my dates and previous HCG levels, there should have been an embryo. So we took another HCG level to make sure it's not an ectopic pregnancy and to see where the it was heading, although fully expecting it to be a miscarriage.
After the appointment, I have had constant spotting. Brown spotting. Little bit on my panty liner, and a little bit when I wipe. Sometimes it's pinkish. And sometimes, it's a big clump.
Next day, they called with my HCG results: 8,500. 4 days ago, it was 3,326. It doubled in 3 days.
So they booked another ultrasound appointment to double check everything.
4 days later... today... a huge surprise appeared on the ultrasound monitor: an embryo with a heartbeat! Measuring at exactly 6 weeks. My dates say I'm 5w5day today.
I still have minor pregnancy symptoms but not as much as week 2 or 3. Heartbeat is a good sign, but my first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage after seeing a heartbeat at 9 weeks so... we're hopeful but not too much.
Took another HCG test today, will get results on Monday... and will book another scan for next week too.
After the appointment, I have had constant spotting. Brown spotting. Little bit on my panty liner, and a little bit when I wipe. Sometimes it's pinkish. And sometimes, it's a big clump.
Next day, they called with my HCG results: 8,500. 4 days ago, it was 3,326. It doubled in 3 days.
So they booked another ultrasound appointment to double check everything.
4 days later... today... a huge surprise appeared on the ultrasound monitor: an embryo with a heartbeat! Measuring at exactly 6 weeks. My dates say I'm 5w5day today.
I still have minor pregnancy symptoms but not as much as week 2 or 3. Heartbeat is a good sign, but my first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage after seeing a heartbeat at 9 weeks so... we're hopeful but not too much.
Took another HCG test today, will get results on Monday... and will book another scan for next week too.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Another journey....
Our daughter is now 21 months, and we've been trying again for the past 5 months. No success... not sure what's wrong since the last 3 pregnancies were instant.
Anyhow we finally got a positive this month. We're not investing any emotions in this just yet... (learned from experience), so here is just a very matter of fact post.
Picture taken DPO 9 at 2pm (7/16/11)
Anyhow we finally got a positive this month. We're not investing any emotions in this just yet... (learned from experience), so here is just a very matter of fact post.
Picture taken DPO 9 at 2pm (7/16/11)
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